![]() Does it matter that "Fight for Your Right" actually does kind of invent rap-rock? No, because everyone has their best porno mag, and these guys are just telling it like it is, and rap is the CNN of rock. Does anyone really care that "Rhymin' and Stealin"" witnessed Rubin's genius for exposing the sample-ability of Led Zeppelin? No, because, "My pistol is loaded, I shot Betty Crocker/ Deliver Colonel Sanders down to Davey Jones' locker" is awesome, and if you don't get it then what-the-fuck-ever. In light of this information, it almost seems pointless to recap the highlights. Sorry ma, forgot to take out the trash, but that's okay because I drink Brass Monkey and I rock well. It meant that you could live life as one giant inside joke, speaking in tongues and making hilarious references to Chef Boyardee with no one outside your circle of jerks the wiser. Licensed to Ill demonstrated that you could be "groundbreaking" and "important," and still have no goals beyond getting drunk before 6th period. ![]() What, then? Probably just that the Beasties didn't give a fuck- AND AMERICA DESPERATELY NEEDED TO BE SHOWN HOW NOT TO GIVE A FUCK. Okay, so it isn't the music or all the rhymes that translate beyond the scene of the crime. "Get ready/ 'Cause this ain't funny/ My name's Mike D and I'm about to get money." ![]() "I keep a pistol in my pocket so you better be cautious/ Fly around the world but it makes me nauseous." "Spent some bank, I got a high powered jumbo/ Rolled up a wooly and I watched Colombo." "I got franks and pork and beans/ Always bust the new routines." It's dated remarkably badly, while Rick Rubin's skill with the mixer (and drum machine) is entirely questionable. Had they released Ill even four years later, it would have been a novelty record. Secondly, contrary to most rock writers' beliefs, white guys + guitars do not necessarily = rock. First of all, their cornball Cali cousins the Red Hot Chili Peppers had already graced the earth with two LPs prior to Ill, not to mention beating them to the 70s funk revival by working with George Clinton. Bad news for the Beasties: History appears to contradict that assessment. Licensed to Ill is given a lot of credit for predating the whole rap-rock thing of the 90s. Most of all, remember that at their worst, these guys got thrown out of White Castle for being too loud. Chalk it up to Russell Simmons and Rick Rubin. Chalk it up to Run-DMC and Madonna, who helped showcase them to the most economically and culturally powerful generation of kids since the boomers. How a city that already had ESG felt it needed the Beastie Boys in the mid-80s is a question that confounds the ages yet, Ad-Rock, MCA and Mike D could hardly have predicted the slacker generation better if they'd tried (which they didn't). Licensed to Ill, like Cooky Puss and the underrated Rock Hard EP before it, were indeed both impressively ahead of their time, and rudimentary to the extreme. This is not to say they've been apologetic, but only too keen to emphasize the arcs of their characters over the years. New York brats-cum-activists Beastie Boys have gone to great pains to explain the error of their 80s ways. To little Carol Anne, Ad-Rock simply is another child. And it's not even because their appeal is particularly juvenile, but rather that they operate in a realm only comprehensible to the innocent those untouched by the brutal reality of the real world, where everyday injustice skews our perception to the point that what might have been common sense to us as adolescents now seems mystifying. Too many years removed from junior high, they tend only to reveal themselves in annoying bursts of violence, confusion and rhymes like Abe Vigoda. ![]() Poltergeists and Licensed to Ill: Some things only make sense to kids. ![]() "Yeah, she's crafty and she's just Dom's type. "Yeah, fool, that's the one who I told about skins. "Hey man, I think you're gonna get killed today. Which, that doesn't even make any sense because I thought they were supposedly best friends." And I already talked to Nick, but he just said he didn't know if he could do anything. I'm gonna go out the back, from the cafeteria. Davis to drive around to the side like he sometimes does for Chris. "Shut up, bitch, I'm telling you I can't wait for the bus because they know where I catch it. ![]()
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